Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.