I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
If you know, you know
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere