what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?