ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?