Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
You Might Also Like
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My dating profile: