[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Nothing to do, you say?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
lmfao come on