My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
You Might Also Like
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I can’t deal with men any longer
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.