Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
You Might Also Like
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
yea so i messed up lol
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR