If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.