what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
That was easy.