Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
You Might Also Like
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My last name is Zilla.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
me and my fake scenarios
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.