My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Geez man, take it easy.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”