Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.