A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
This could be us but you eatin’
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”