As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
You Might Also Like
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?