Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.