It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
another case of gang violins
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.