Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking