Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Saturday
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Support your local cemetery
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy