shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude