I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
who wants to go expliring
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….