[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.