How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
The Book. The Movie.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
getting corrected
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that