Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question