{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’m not proud
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family