I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’