her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
yes… yes…
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?