I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Autocarrot sucks!
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I see your IQ test came back negative
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.