“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
2 years later
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?