There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am