Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!