[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
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“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never