If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog