[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
yeah 😭
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
drew a comic about my origin story
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.