[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”