I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
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Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.