Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
i meant to share this earlier
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard