Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER