My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE