I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Scream sneezers need love too.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
no their not
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic