WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
FRED: right
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?