No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
WHY would you be happy about this?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Mornin
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.