Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
why would tinder want me to say this
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what