horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
is this a threat
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Well, this certainly took a turn