[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
We’ve all been there
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…