There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?