Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you