If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.