What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas