[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
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Just me and my debit card against the world
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The funk soul brother
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video